>This might be blasphemous to say, but I need to say it: I’m not looking forward to going back to the teaching grind next year (and let’s not even start on service obligations). It’s not because I’m enjoying my research and unscheduled time so much (see this post about how I’m just figuring out how to handle that unscheduled time; note how many times I mention how boring some of my work is). Nope, it’s because I really kind of dread the whole package of teaching — not just the worst parts (grading! oy, the grading!) but also the frenetic, when-will-this-semester-be-over grind, and even, I hate to say it, being in the classroom. I can’t even put my finger on why — I have always liked our students (well, most of them) and they have told me many times over that they like me — but the excitement is definitely gone.
Maybe it’s because next year I’ll be facing another year of Old and Middle English, which I have to say, I kind of hate teaching. Oh, there are moments where I love it, and there were two sets of classes some years back who geeked out with me and made it awesome, but – ugh! – how can I possibly look forward to talking about weak adjectives and strong verbs and Middle English Open Syllable Lengthening…OMG. Kill me now. Horace, who just wrote a joyful post about what’s cool about being a humanities professor (and whose positive post title I’m riffing only negatively) gets to talk about “the nature of time and the past in literature, about how drama and performance help us understand our very identity, how the language of advertising leaves us without a language of our own to describe our experiences of the real world.” I, on the other hand, get to talk about i-mutation. Zzzzzzzz…And what’s even worse is that it didn’t used to bore me. But the thought of doing this over and over for the next god knows how many years is making my head explode.
And not even the thought of teaching Chaucer and Shakespeare in the spring term, or a newly designed Anglo-Saxon, Norse, and Celtic syllabus in the fall cheers me up. Something is seriously wrong with me if the thought of “The Miller’s Tale,” Twelfth Night, and “The Cattle Raid of Cooley” can’t raise my spirits or at least make up for strong verb paradigms and brace constructions.
I have a feeling that part of what’s coloring my attitude is the woeful morale at our university and especially in our soon-to-be-dissolved-and-chopped-into-three-colleges college. But I keep telling myself that that shouldn’t really have an effect on my day to day experience, especially not in the classroom. Perhaps also, because I’m on sabbatical and not as crazy-busy as usual, when I witness just how burnt out and dog-tired Bullock is because of his overload of advising and service responsibilities (a situation created in part by the shrinking of his department by retirement and death without any replacements), I feel it more strongly than I would if I were distracted by a frenetic pace of my own. Or maybe my mood is a response to the bigger war on the humanities and higher ed in general here in the US and elsewhere (especially in the UK). One my Facebook friends (and who still reads this blog, I think) asked for robust language to defend the humanities. Once upon a time I could give it; now I just want to give up.
Tell me that this is what sabbatical is for — to rejuvenate, to re-energize — and that by next year I’ll feel ready to take it all on again. Tell me that I’m just burnt out and I’m expecting to rebound too quickly. But most of all, tell me it’s OK sometimes not to like my job.